I woke up this morning not by alarm or chance. Instead, I felt the temperature climbing in the early hours of the morning and peeled back the layer of covers I had put on some time during the cool(ish)ness of the evening. My weather.com icon on my desktop blinked and the automated thunder claps (which still make me jump) crackled through the speakers. The large words: HEAT ADVISORY were all I needed to read. Staying inside our non-air conditioned home would not be an option today. And unfortunately I don't have to the stamina to put up with the heat or to rest in front of the fan like our basset hound friend to the left.
The immediate conclusion then was to retreat to the air-conditioned apartment of our dear friend Britta. Jillian and I packed up our books, computers, and movies to camp out indoors for the day. We are lucky to have friends that a) can afford such luxuries and b) don't mind sharing those luxuries in exchange for nothing but company.
We feasted on pizza with pineapple and green peppers (thanks Jillian) and watched Revolutionary Road. A film of social stiflement and emotional entrapment felt fitting when we ourselves were feeling stifled and trapped (by the humidity that is). The film was honest and filmed with a quiet but unsettling simplicity. Beautiful performances from both Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio. It probed into the lives of a seemingly perfect 50s suburban couple, whose veneer unravels as the film progresses. When faced with a life we didn't envision for ourselves, do we fight to find hope or do we let the emptiness consume us?
The day's activity (or rather lack-thereof) has left me feeling exhausted. It is strange to feel fatigue after doing nothing but lounging all day. I realize now how much we are built to work, or at least built to have a balance of work and rest. Having all this rest and free time (a gentler way of saying "I am unemployed") has had its perks, but I admit I'm anxious to find something to DO. I don't know how long this "sabbatical summer" as I've called it will last. So far the progress I had hoped to make hasn't happened. I have been distracted this week by circumstances out of my control and haven't felt myself for the past couple of days. Perhaps when I leave this funk I'll find some motivation to start the dreaded job hunt.
Everything is in transition right now and I think I need to accept the shifting surroundings, embrace what is here but not get trapped into doing nothing. "Here and there does not matter/We must be still and still moving" (err yes, another t.s. eliot quote)
I'm trying. And for now that will be enough.